I remember winning on
the Grand National with a tri-cast bet back in 1984. The Grand National was
something that I'd grown up with: we'd watched it as a family over the years.
I bought a second-hand
car with my winnings, which turned out to be a bad buy and I soon spent a lot
of extra money on major repairs before the car was stolen one Sunday night, the
night before the MOT was being done, so it ended up that I wasn’t legally
insured and received no insurance compensation payment. Very unfortunate. Very
me.
At the time I never
would have considered myself to be a lucky person. A trail of tragic events had
held my family at bay, in grief, trauma and sadness for a 9-year period when I
was aged 10 – 18. That period had only come off the boil 3 years previously and
things were still not great: I was renting a room with a friend after my
parents had split up and sold the family home, about 6 months prior to that Grand
National day. So I guess it's fair to say I really didn’t consider myself to be
a lucky kind of guy; I was probably even laying-in-wait for the next tragedy to
strike, which in many ways was completely understandable.
I guess on a coaching
level, had I sat myself down and asked a few questions on the day of the race,
the writing was probably already on the wall.
Q. What kind of person
do you think you are?
A. Not so lucky, I
guess.
Q. What’s the real
reason you believe that specifically?
A. Life’s been like
that for me.
Q. Have you ever been
lucky?
A. I guess so, when I
was much younger.
Q. Finish this
statement. The reason my life is the way it is, is because…
A. We’re an unlucky
family.
Q. And this statement:
The REAL reason my life is like this is because…
A. Somebody up there
doesn’t like me.
The truth is, I'd had
many things happen to me that were
what you would consider to be lucky, but inside I didn’t feel that way and so
didn’t notice things that would support ‘I’m lucky’ as a reality for me.
(Remember my blog about Beliefs?)
The greatest questions
you can ask yourself are around the issue of identity and self-image. And so
they should be. Identity beliefs and statements affect so much of our personality,
actions and behaviours and directly influence our moment-by-moment life experiences
that it is imperative there be a high level of importance surrounding the world
of ‘WHAT KIND OF PERSON DO I THINK I AM?’.
Your reality
accurately reflects your beliefs about your identity. Your actions completely
align with and support who you believe you are, and your greatest motivational
pushes come from an absolute inner requirement to be integral to the way in
which you define yourself. That's right... The way in which YOU define yourself.
We may have had an
identity belief passed to us from someone else - a teacher, a friend, a
relation or whoever. What's important to remember here is that we have the
ability to let go of any beliefs that no longer support us. I remember a
particular teacher who, because I was left handed, told me I'd never amount to
anything if I continued to write and draw with my left hand and he even decided
it was within his rights to say, in front of the whole class I might add, 'Only
idiots use their left hands to write and draw,' then he demanded I use my right
hand, which of course presented me a real problem, and I tried. He was
standing-in for the morning so didn't really know me and wasn't aware that at
the time I was considered by my classmates to be the best drawer in the school,
a status I was very proud of, and he obviously never knew about Lewis Carroll,
H.G. Wells, Da Vinci, Michelangelo, Einstein, Aristotle and other cool
left-handers like Lord Nelson, Neil Armstrong, Monroe, Hendrix, Pele,
Navratilova, Garland, Chaplin,
Churchill, Joan of Arc and Bobby Charlton to name but a few. And maybe he'd
have thought twice about inflicting a possible character assassination on me if
he'd known about Henry Cooper's left hand HAMMER! Oh, we can dream... What a
moment that would've been: News
Headline: Schoolteacher knocked out by tubby child in front of packed
classroom. 3 left-handed kids told off for cheering.
I guess the real
problem was I actually liked the guy and trusted his opinion so a little belief
in his ridiculous attack on me must have settled into me. I remember trying to
write with my right hand for a while but it just didn't do it for me. I do
however know that even though I was a child in the company of an adult I
trusted it still came down to me in the end, whether I believed him or not.
It's us that own these beliefs and we can choose now to let them go. And we can
also choose to enable our children to be more resilient to the outside negative
influences of irresponsible others.
So… I'm curious to
know... What kind of person do you think you are?
Make an honest list of
ten 'I am' statements, e.g., I am blessed. I am frightened. I am bold. I am
shy.
Let it all out, faults
and all. Start there right now, before you read on.
Now you can help uncover
some more of your core identity definitions by finishing the following
statements:
The reason my life is
the way it is, is because I am ________________________________
My relationships turn
out the way they do because I am ____________________________
My childhood was the
way it was because I was _________________________________
People treat me the
way they do because I am ___________________________________
My financial situation
is the way it is because I am ________________________________
I always seem to end
up in the same situation because I am _________________________
My health is the way
it is because I am _________________________________________
My levels of success
are the way they are because I am ____________________________
And please feel free
to add your own personalised statements.
Now just make a rough
guess at when you first started to believe these definitions of yourself and
your abilities. Put a date/year next to them now.
It's also quite
liberating to identify where you think the belief might have come from: Did
someone give it to you? If so who? Did you attach to it yourself? Was there a
book, a film or a character - real or fictional - you associated with that led
to you having that belief? This will really aid you in letting go of the
belief.
I’m guessing some of
these previous identity decisions are quite old - in some cases even decades
old - and the fact is they have become the defining framework and status quo
for your outcomes, levels of success and happiness in your life. It’s great if
you’ve got all supportive identity statements in place. It’s a real tragedy if
they’re limiting you and working against you. Even controlling you. They are a
real yet hidden burden: Basically, they are great big balls and chains!
I have had the
displeasure of having some seriously hindering balls and chains. And I
developed them when I was quite young. They affected the way I stood, breathed,
thought, walked, acted, played and communicated: It can be restrictive in every
area of life as they unconsciously tie you down. Most of the time you don't even
recognise it as a limiting force working against you, you simply struggle along
– sometimes even with a bounce - with the belief that that’s just who you are.
And you adapt, e.g., curb your enthusiasm, play it safe, don’t expect to move
much, avoid the stresses of trying or failing, abandon your dreams, keep it
real so people will like you or feel safe with you, even respect you. In some
cases these limitations become so heavy and restraining that you can simply end
up giving up and existing, rather than living. And as you journey through life
these unforgiving restraints can end up grinding you to a halt, and you can even
end up buried under your balls and chains. And that stinks!
These hidden restrictions
can be passed through the generations: Children can unwittingly develop them and
own them too. Boys and girls alike. Balls and chains placed upon them,
unconsciously much of the time, by the people who love them most. "Happy
Birthday, little one. Here... put these on." And it goes on. And much of
the time it's not even realised. But it's a cycle that can be broken. You can...
snap out of it.
Identity is something
that is instrumental and influential to the degree that if you work on it and
decide you’d like to make changes to the statements and declarations concerning
the sort of person that you think you are, your whole life will be influenced.
All it takes is some really achievable, worthwhile effort.
So how would life be
if you were to break free from your balls and chains?
To be able to break
free, all it takes is real determination and a strong dedication to something
clearly bigger, better and more beneficial than what you are experiencing at
the present moment.
I’ve just remembered
something that is relevant.
One sunny Autumn day I
was sitting on a park bench quietly contemplating life, or my next move or
something, when a dog scampered towards me, sniffed around my rucksack on the
ground, sniffed around my feet, then circled in front of me wagging it’s tail
in blissful doggy vibes. It was a seriously
happy dog. Immediately it made me feel playful. Suddenly a well-to-do female
voice shouted out, “Tiggy. Tiggy come here. Come on Tiggy... That’s nobody.” It
took a moment then it hit me. Eh? Nobody?
Is that where I’m at? I was quite taken aback. I looked over at the woman. Charming,
I thought. Was the Universe delivering me a clear message of who I truly believed
I was? Maybe. I believe it can happen. “I haven’t been called that in years. Not
since school.” I commented humorously, which caused a sudden flush of pink to cover
her face. She apologised – which was unnecessary - then scurried away, Tiggy
following her then running ahead to find somebody…
It really made me think. Nobody? Anyway…
So… Are you ready to now
consider making influential changes to your beliefs about who you believe you are,
and effectively change your life experiences?
If so, take a look at
your list and begin detecting the unhelpful actions and behaviours that you
consistently do, so as to keep all the negative identity level beliefs true.
Things like: I sit down too often. I criticise others. I don’t make the calls.
I let the place get messy. I'm scared. I lay in bed too long. I moan a lot. I
watch too much TV. I eat too much. I make mistakes. I don’t speak to people.
I’m easily distracted. I procrastinate. I doubt myself.
You get the idea.
Write them down.
Now check down your original
lists of 'I AM' statements and simply put in the opposite equal to all the
limiting definitions you gave: The ones that you can honestly agree would hold
you back. Make a firm and positive statement as an opposite equal. For
instance:
The reason my life is
the way it is, is because I am ________LAZY_______1985___
The opposite equal
would be along the lines of FULL OF ENERGY, FULL OF LIFE, or ACTIVE AND
EFFECTIVE.
NOTE: To change it to
NOT LAZY is remaining in the negative. Luckily I remembered to mention that
little nugget.
Write down the
opposite equal positive definitions to all of your limiting definitions now.
Now take a good look
at your new identity definitions. Is that a good fit? Do you like the way it looks
and sounds? Make any adjustments you'd like to make. These become your new
identity statements. Read over them again now, and get a feel for it all:
Imagine, this is you.
Read them again and this
time really feel what it's like to own these new positive qualities. Really
feel them even more now.
Now write the answers
to these simple questions, referring to your new list:
1.
What would
a person like this believe about their capabilities?
2.
What kind
of expectations would this person have?
3.
What kind
of places would they hang out?
4.
What kind
of things would this person do in their lives each day, so as to keep a
momentum going and keep achieving happiness?
5.
What kind
of experiences would this person like to have?
6.
How does
this person feel?
7.
What must
this person have on their list of ‘must have’ standards and values?
8.
In what
ways would this person like to grow even more?
9.
What must
you do differently on a day-to-day basis, in order for you to keep in line with
this list of ‘I AM’ definitions?
10.
How does
this person contribute to the lives of others?
11.
How would
this person be able to give, and make improvements to the world?
Now take a look at your
lists and answers and take just a little more time to determine some more actions
and behaviours you can follow through with, so as to keep all this identity
level beliefs stuff true. Things like: I exercise. I always make the calls. I happily
make a list of things to do. I enthusiastically keep my place tidy. I use my
time well… You get the idea. Whatever works well for you. This is quality fuel
for your new you.
Now imagine living
this way and imagine how you’ll feel living this way. Imagine it all as clear
as possible. Feel it fully.
Now commit to the
actions and behaviours you've listed. 'I commit to...'
This can be the new
you. This can be how you act in life. This can easily be the new true you.
You've already felt its greatness. Enjoy it. Bring it on!
There’s a lot of truth
in the statement I AM WHATEVER I THINK I AM.
Consider the truth in
an epitaph that reads:
HERE LIES
WHO I THOUGHT I WAS
NOTHING MORE, NOTHING LESS
So… Who do you now choose
to believe you are? I hope you've really gone for it! All out.
And know this: Once
you decide who you are now, what actions you must make now and onwards, and
what your life must be like from this point forward, you’ll find ways to make
it happen. And it'll find its way to you.
‘You are the golden key to every door that has
ever been closed. Know this and be yourself.’ Marvin
And if you happen to see
me strolling or striding along the road, shout over and tell me who you really are.
And in case we never meet I want you to know that one day there’ll be a stone
or a plaque that’ll read something along the lines of:
HERE LIES
A HAPPY AND FULFILLED PERSON
WHO LOVED LIFE
LOVED OTHERS
AND LOVED LIVING LIFE TO THE MAX
LOVED OTHERS
AND LOVED LIVING LIFE TO THE MAX
IN EVERY WAY EVERY DAY
“WOW! WHAT A RIDE!
KEPT GETTING BETTER AND BETTER!
SORTED!”
Thanks for reading.
Simon Caira
Author of Bish and the
Magic Bow & Arrow